Where Do We Go From Here?
Currently, I am battling many different health issues. Things I'd rather not go into great detail about. The best explanation I can give is that I have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. This is not a recent diagnosis. This actually was a problem about four years ago when I initially found out and was sent to a specialist due to the symptoms that I was experiencing at the time. The condition I have causes severe chronic pain. It causes constantly inflammation of not only all of my joints but my organs and muscles as well. This has also greatly affected my heart and the way that it functions. It is not something that is getting better, nor will it get better. There is also no cure. There are treatment options, in theory, but I have given up on trying to do any of that.
For the past four years, since I was diagnosed, I have been trying to get help. I have seen countless specialists, have had every test done that you can imagine, and it's pretty much only proved to be a waste of time and led me to a complete dead end. Doctors do not take me seriously despite what they can see on my scans and in my blood test results. They are not concerned about my quality of life, my pain, or daily functioning. I'm typically the last person to want to blame anything on blatant sexism, but I'm at least 75% sure this has to do with me being female. The number of times I've been prescribed a sedative so I can "calm down" and been told that my symptoms, my very measurable by scans and blood tests symptoms, are "in my head" is astounding.
We are talking about things I cannot possibly fake. Certain injuries that show up on X-ray or MRI. Blood tests that repeatedly come back positive or do not produce false positives. Visible symptoms that doctors can see with their eyes when it comes to my fingers, toes, wrists, and ankles. Things like having a consistently high resting heart rate, long QT syndrome, and SVT. Despite me questioning these things, asking:
"Isn't this dangerous?"
"Shouldn't you be treating this?"
"Shouldn't my BPM not be 117 at rest?"
They don't care. They brush it off. They tell me not to worry. They blame it on other things. That I am "not getting enough sleep" (well, no shit, I can't sleep; I'm in constant pain). They blame it on "stress". Well, no shit, I'm stressed out; I'm in constant pain. They blame it on anxiety. Yeah, no shit I'm anxious, I can see what they can see when it comes to my heart and how it's getting worse, why would I not be anxious about my heart? Why would I not be anxious about unrelenting, untreated pain that has left me barely functional and half a human? They blame it on depression. Yes, the depression appeared after the chronic pain. Anyone who went from living a normal, able-bodied life who could function like any other normal person to someone who has become housebound and bedridden would be depressed. The depression is situational, because of the pain that they refuse to treat. The pain did not occur because I happen to be depressed.
Don't get me wrong, I am not denying there's some level of anxiety. I am not denying there is some level of depression. It is all situational. It's living in a body with pain I can't control. It's living in a city that I absolutely can't stand. It's living in a house in this economy where bills only increase every single year. It's being able to afford food with the money I do bring in from the sales of my novels and other writing. There's a lot of external causes of this, in fact, every cause is external and every cause is completely out of my control.
I once had dreams of being a commercial author, but I can't market my books properly because of this situation I am in. These people who are constantly up my ass, looking to destroy me the second they figure out that I have had any taste of success. People who would 100% flood book review pages and sites with false reviews just to try to get me cancelled all because I wanted to do the right thing and tell the truth. People who still believe that "factual information" comes from websites like KiwiFarms and Reddit. People who live in a Discord specifically set up to attack me all the time and ignore anything I have to say because they prefer the fan fiction they wrote to reality. People who have decided to make me the villain when the actual problem is and always has been, Jennifer Cornet. The very woman I tried to expose has essentially destroyed any chance at a career I could ever have in writing because of people like this.
Sometimes I consider exposing it anyway. Sometimes I think about promoting my books and saying, fuck it. What do I really have to lose? Maybe I'll just take the hit, and they'll get bored and go away eventually. Or, they'll never stop. There are people who still very actively want to destroy me now, and all I've ever done is speak the truth. A truth they don't like is a truth that they feel they need to erase so extensively they'd rather see me dead than accept it as fact.
Do I want to continue with YouTube? Yes. Even though almost no one was watching it anyway, it was still fun for me. Do I want to do a podcast? Yes. Even though probably no one would listen, it would still be fun for me. Do I have the energy? The ability? Yes and no. With my condition, and the lifestyle changes I have been forced to make, my best bet at feeling "okay" all the time is to remain lying down or as reclined as possible. Sitting up for long periods of time to write or record videos is no longer something I can reliably do. I don't want to give up. I want to find a way around this. Will I? I don't know. I can tell you that I am trying. I am doing my best. Without any support or adequate pain management, though, what happens remains to be seen. With my heart progressively getting worse, I could be dead by 45. I could never have a chance. It's not what I want, but it's a reality I must face every single day. Wanting to do all of these things and finishing all these projects but not having the time, energy, or money to do so.
I'm 99% sure no one will ever be reading this blog, which is why I'm writing all of this out here. It's a way for me to vent without any fear of retaliation. At least not much of it. I know there's always a risk because I know there are always people watching, but I decided there is no point in caring. They will hate me no matter what I do, cheer on my death, say that it's karma or I deserve it, whatever they want to say. Though why should that bother me when the reality I'm facing is so much worse than a bunch of low-life morons stalking my every thought on the internet?
If you have supported me from the beginning, I thank you. If you continue to support me while I go through this, I thank you. I can't promise anything anymore because I don't know what the future holds. I hope and pray for the success I seek, but I'm well aware it will more than likely never come. In the end, I can at least sit well knowing that the word is getting out now, it's gotten out because of me but mostly thanks to Something Sinister on YouTube and maybe if the only thing I can ever do is get a video out there with over a million views about Jennifer Cornet then the one job I ever needed to do has been done. Feel free to follow me for more updates if you're seeing this in the first place. You probably aren't, but writing is the easiest thing for me to do these days, so that is probably what I will default to doing most.